How many, many times have you failed me, paper candle holder? How many times has molten wax dripped the entire length of a perfectly tapered congregation candle during a special occasion or communion service? And how often has the searing wax seeped through your inadequately sized opening, blistering my skin and causing me to hurl said candle up into the air? How many times has that flaming projectile, with your flimsy parchment husk still feebly clinging to the core, ignited the excessively quaffed and abundantly hair-sprayed senior women's choir? How many churches may burn, and how much singed premature baldness may be produced to your lousy service, oh flimsy paper holder?
None, I say! No more!
Oh How I Love Thee, My New Reusable Plastic Candle Holder
Oh how safe I now feel from the burning ember, holden only inches from my oddly flammable hands as I worship! How secure I feel in the knowledge that liquefied candle wax shall not ever again sear my prayerful palms! How stylish your translucent polymers appear, perched below my candlestick like the bowl of a wineglass, slowly filling with the nectar of sweet, scented, midnight supplications!
There you sit, faithfully defending the flock and the frocks of the elders choirs across the earth! All thanks unto you, reusable plastic candle holder!
Never again will the praise of the people be punctuated by the screech of sirens and the groans of grieving grandchildren! God be praised indeed!
What is this? Printed here, boldly upon thy noble and honest packaging, is the word 'reusable'! Monies will be saved! Again we are blessed by thee, oh reusable plastic holder! Long shall we now possess funding to purchase additional candles! For years to come we will hold vigil for our Lord and Saviour without worry of costly expenditures such as disposable paper candle-hilts, new carpeting, and costly litigation! But surely your services must cost a small fortune given the massive savings.
At What Cost Have We Loved Thee?
No, say you? Mere pennies apiece, and available at 25 pieces per case? Will wonders never cease? Oh how we praise thee, oh saver of hands, oh frugal of finances, and oh helper of holy observances. You make our services safe and maintain our brightly burning flames.
Please accept our humble thanksgiving, from church candles everywhere! We thank you, God Himself thanks you, and our senior ladies' choir thanks you. Once in a while we just need to let our hair down and enjoy how much we have changed church in 50 years. When my dad was a pastor years ago, his church's reusable candle holders were ushers wearing leather gloves! If progress a good thing? Yes. Are candle holders progress? Well yes, but I'm still waiting on a solution for sticking Bible pages.
None, I say! No more!
Oh How I Love Thee, My New Reusable Plastic Candle Holder
Oh how safe I now feel from the burning ember, holden only inches from my oddly flammable hands as I worship! How secure I feel in the knowledge that liquefied candle wax shall not ever again sear my prayerful palms! How stylish your translucent polymers appear, perched below my candlestick like the bowl of a wineglass, slowly filling with the nectar of sweet, scented, midnight supplications!
There you sit, faithfully defending the flock and the frocks of the elders choirs across the earth! All thanks unto you, reusable plastic candle holder!
What is this? Printed here, boldly upon thy noble and honest packaging, is the word 'reusable'! Monies will be saved! Again we are blessed by thee, oh reusable plastic holder! Long shall we now possess funding to purchase additional candles! For years to come we will hold vigil for our Lord and Saviour without worry of costly expenditures such as disposable paper candle-hilts, new carpeting, and costly litigation! But surely your services must cost a small fortune given the massive savings.
At What Cost Have We Loved Thee?
No, say you? Mere pennies apiece, and available at 25 pieces per case? Will wonders never cease? Oh how we praise thee, oh saver of hands, oh frugal of finances, and oh helper of holy observances. You make our services safe and maintain our brightly burning flames.
Please accept our humble thanksgiving, from church candles everywhere! We thank you, God Himself thanks you, and our senior ladies' choir thanks you. Once in a while we just need to let our hair down and enjoy how much we have changed church in 50 years. When my dad was a pastor years ago, his church's reusable candle holders were ushers wearing leather gloves! If progress a good thing? Yes. Are candle holders progress? Well yes, but I'm still waiting on a solution for sticking Bible pages.
About the Author:
This was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but every once in a while it's good to have a little fun in church. Sadly, most people would be surprised to find out Jesus had a sense of humor. I believe God has a sense of humor - He made me. Before you laugh too hard remember He also made you. The above mentioned products are available at most online Christian stores; the fun you will have to manufacture on your own. Favour on you!